So I'm on break for what is going to be my next to last shift - and I can't help but get reflective - I've spent over a year here and despite the drama and fights and garbage - well, I'm still not sure if it's worth it. I tried to learn from my mistakes, even made a few new ones - ultimately: the year went nothing like planned. Maybe cause I trusted the wrong people, maybe because I assumed people were as true and real as my Malibu friends.
Which I find strange because no other store I've ever encountered has been as dramatic as this one. Love and hate - it's like the ocean - minute to minute you can go from beloved to pariah by a simple turned phrase. I'm a theatre kid and even I find it exhausting.
Today has gone well enough so far. It still doesn't seem like the end is nigh - with me it never really does. Only if I think about - only if I really sit down and tell myself this is it. I imagine tomorrow will feel like any other day. I doubt I'll be missed much - not in like an emo way - but im pretty sure most people think I brought the drama to the store or it at least started with me. This is true only to the extent that I was the first to point out the lying and backstabbing. I was the first to question the work ethic if the morning and mid crew and I was the first to call out a girl for lying about me. That was who I was then - I was proud of who I was then - blame it on watching too much Real Chance of Love - but I needed to stand up for myself - something I wished I'd get back in the habit of instead of waiting for the end.
I'm told I have a new york store waiting for me - I hope. But something tells me it might not work out which to be honest wouldn't be terrible - one thing I do know for sure - this store has destoryed all the green apron pride I had back in Malibu
So in conclusion Season 21 was the best of my life - Season 22 sucked - Im hoping Season 23 can just land somewhere in the middle
*Hearts*
-Steven
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
I realize I haven't posted in forever - as it is I rarely ever use my computer since I got iPhone - in fact this post is coming to you live from iPhone!
I'm in Vegas with my family and despite the squabbles that come standard with any family vacation, I've had a really great time. I'm actually ahead - cash wise at this point. I had found a book of "forbidden knowledge" as they called it that included how to actually win at slots. I've only won about 20 dollars in totals but that's better than being under right? I even used my winnings to buy iPhone a bitchin' rose red case. I'm considering calling her Rosalie now.
I seemed to be slowly being seduced back into wonderland. I'm currently reading a darker retelling of Alice's tale while periodically reading the original on my phone (I love free apps!). I even recently YouTube searched the old "Adventures in Wonderland" show from the 90s and - no joke - can trace a pretty big part of who I became from it.....weird.
In the meantime, I'm happy - even if my family is trying to make me feel otherwise. If anything I've slid into a really good place these last few days - I'm really begining to enjoy who I am and the person I'm becoming. Not to sound like a theripist but today it hit me that I don't give myself permission to experience my emotions - whenever I do my family is quick to dismiss me and my "drama" and get upset. I think the problem is I allow them and me too in a way too discredit my emotions. So for what it's worth today I gave myself licence to experience it. If I'm angry or excited or bored or obsessed - Im offically allowing myself to feel it and express it - regardless of however it comes across - so this got unexpectedly preachy - but it's what I wanted to say so I'm owning it - no appologizes!
All that aside I've had a truly memorable trip and with only a few west coast days left I need to soak up as much west coast sun as possible cause I'm told it's still raining in NYC :-0
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
- Location:Las Vegas
- Mood:Content
ME: (To The Boss) This job feels like Purgatory. Like I'm working off some great sin. But the worst part is I feel that somehow I've earned this. THE BOSS: Just stay positive Rowe!
But tonight, I'm happy. After a late night run to the pool hall one corona and three Smirnoff Ices and a kareokee set of "Me And Bobby McGee, Rocket Man, Tainted Love, and Blue Orchid" I had a fantastic night. I seem to have found a good group of people I can relax with and just chill. Not since the Craig days in Malibu or practically anytime I spend with Tate have I been truly able to lose track of time and truly be present in the moment. I've recently lost sight of some of my life mottos; things like Our Town's "Saints and Poets" and all the other lifestyle philosophies. I really need to go back to the basics, the things that really made me happy back at P-Dine. First of all, seeking out the truly extraodinary people and getting lost in the time we spend together or in other words, living in every single moment. I know how strange it sounds that I'd consider four guys sitting around the local donut shop at 2:30 in the morning eating ham and cheese crossiants one of the best moments of the year but in that moment...I really lived in that moment.
It's been a long road to that moment, a real rollercoaster, and a lot of wrongs that may never be undone but I feel nothing but graditude to God for once again having more foresight than me and making sure everything goes according to His plan. I've learned once again a number of life lessons that I feel I may have never learned had I not taken my year off of school. Primarily, that I run my mouth too much. My first reaction was - Don't trust people, be skeptical when you talk trash. But overtime I realized something deeper - Don't trash talk or gossip your friends ever. Putting that kind of evil in universe never ends well, it never comes back around for the better. I've learned that the best policy is to steer clear of the empty gossip and try to put goodness out there. I've learned that it does come back to you, maybe not in the way you might expect but at least in my case, a way a million times better than expected.
Ultimately, tonight I feel safe, smart enough to still protect myself, but still safe. These last few days have shown me how thankful I am for my supportive family, probably more thankful than I realize at present. So if anyone out there is wondering, "How's Steven Doing" I'm fine, I'm happy, and I have a feeling that things are only going to get better.
P.S. According to the gym scales, I've lost like 16 pounds since September - Whoo!
You know how Desperate Housewives is called a satire - I'd argue it's non-fiction. I've been back in Camarillo for less than a year and I feel like the walls are staring to close in on me. To be fair, I know I can't generalize an entire town based on the few individuals I surround myself with but I'm really starting to feel I need a way out. Since I've been back I've only met one person, I repeat, one person who I truly respect and admire. Someone I look up to as someone I would like to be; a person of great character, vision and commitment. What I also like is if he ever actually read this he'd follow it up with either a quiet thank you or some kind of "I not so great" type comment.
The drama that seems to surround me is draining me of all my energy. Who hates who, who doesn't like who, who said what, how it was said. All that stuff is really exhausting. I'm tried of phrases starting with - "Did You Hear What So-and-so Did?" I don't really care what she did and I suppose if she wanted me to know she'd tell me. I'm over drama, I was over it during Hamlet and frankly I'm tired of playing peacemaker. I don't really know what pushed me over the edge tonight, well I do, but I never know who could be reading and the last thing I want is to stir up more trouble. All I will say is regardless of how you may feel about Obama and the stimulus package, you should at least know what it plans to do, what it is and dare I say even know the damn thing exists before you audibly gag at it. I feel like the only "No on 8" individual in the entire city. I bring this up because I feel like the only person in this city willing to look at both sides of any argument, the only person willing to admit that I may not always be right, the only person willing to look at opposition instead of giving it a dismissive puff or forced gag.
I guess it comes down to the fact I feel looked down upon for being myself. I feel judged by a handful of people who lack any real life experience or met anyone who didn't agree completely with their opinion. An opinion may I add, completely lacking any personally considered conclusions or first hand experience. Why do I feel so judged for having the fairness to not immediately judge something I don't understand? One thing that seems to always get a dismissive eye roll is my love for all things falling under the Vh1 reality umbrella. Yes, it's trash and doesn't reaffirm my faith in humanity or anything but it entertains me and has in a number of ways - no joke - set down for me a moral code that I want to follow, don't laugh, I'm being real. Not to be arrogant but if some of these people tried living by this code I guarantee most of the drama and hate/angst will disappear over night.... So here it goes, my manifest if you will...
Be real, because people can tell if you're being fake, no one is that good of an actor. Ultimately who you are is what makes you unique and stand out into the next round. The fakers are always the first to go and the ones most likely to start trouble. Don't make up lies about each other or betray each other's confidence, nothing gets you sent home faster. Adaptability is key to making a true connection with someone. When you refuse to adapt, connect or be vulnerable you'll be left standing without a chain. Be honest with how you feel, if you're mad say your mad and if your happy say your happy but most importantly be real with how you feel about others. If you don't like someone don't pretend to be their friend, cause ultimately you look like the fool. If you've got a problem with something, speak up, typically it will pull you ahead in the competition. Be true to your friends and never let things like the challenge, or promotions get in the way, because in the end you're left without a single friend in the house. Never treat another person like a stepping stone or a place filler till something better comes along, each person has there own set of desires and beliefs and it won’t be long until your across the board disloyalty leaves you by yourself. Lastly, those who stir up trouble, stir the pot because they lack the self esteem and the belief that they can win over you. Fight back or confront those who stir up trouble because most of the time they will back down or resolve whatever their issue is with you. Get to the heart of issue; in many cases your persistence to get to the bottom of it will prevent another rumor from surfacing.
Despite some of my tongue in cheek references to TV I don't think this is a bad code to live by. If anything, all the backstabbing, drama, and hate-laced text messages have led me to establish what I believe and how I want to live and while I may fall short of my own code I aspire to live it out. So why type all this out? I think as I try to find a good conclusion I feel better about tonight. I stood by my views and when I stood up for my point of view it seemed my only opposition was, a dismissive puff, a "that's not true", and an "I'm sleepy". I'm proud of who I've become and it shouldn't matter to me how a handful of frightened individuals react to someone who isn't a true to the ticket conservative like they’re told to be. Instead I've moved beyond party lines to define what I believe instead of what I'm told I should believe. So as Ugly Betty plays in the background I make no apologizes for my character or beliefs. I’ve become my own person, with my own passions and goals. I like who I am and could easily find a handful of people who like who I am too.
- Mood:contemplative
P.S. I bought Season 2 of Heroes used for $25! I'm soo excited to watch it tomorrow!!!
P.P.S. My subject title is a Good Charlotte song - See? I'm taking this whole thing old school!
It's hard being back at home, not gonna lie. I've had minimal conflicts with the parents which is really a surprise because I expected to have a lot more. Which is why I was initially apprehension about leaving the safe haven that was my dorm room. I feel like I've left such a big part of me behind. Four years of building connections and relationships and now I can't go back. I'd kill for another year of plays and Club Lost nights. I tried my best to live in every single moment and at the end there I know I did but looking back, I rarely stopped to appreciate how great that moment was. I lived it but I didn't appreciate that it would be gone soon. Now all I can do is look back at it.
Random - I finished Harry Potter yesterday, corny final chapter but very satisfying, loved the whole final battle scene. I even bought a replica Draco Malfoy wand at FAO Schwarz in NYC-I know you're laughing and I don't care, not even a little. P.S. NYC post to come...
I was a bit down today. I was planning on seeing Tate and the family tonight but that fell through which sucks because after driving all the way to Malibu I hate the idea of driving right back afterward, it feels like admitting defeat. If I have something to do along the way to and from work it takes away the sting of driving to freaking Malibu just to work. I was disappointed, I was also suppose to try and meet a friend of hers. We had met briefly before, not exactly my type, a bit below my standard but as of a few hours ago I was willing to settle. But as a warning now, things have changed, no one better rush to tell me not to settle cause I'll scream. She had asked my prospective if tomorrow would work better, the response was "I have homework ALL day" and while that may very well be a legitimate excuse I've been Pavlovianly Conditioned to become ill and feel rejected at the homework excuse, nothing personal Ruthie, I love you dearly, but after all, it's hard to reverse conditioning.
My first reaction is of course, that I wasn't cute enough, good enough, thin enough, etc. Then I had a disscussion with Rich. Ugg, I still hate that man but damn his good timing. It's almost like after Krista shot me down the SECOND time, and the only person around I could talk to was John Rhea, I swear, I actually started to be nice to kid after that day because he had been there to listen to me. Anyway I started to vent to Rich about the "homework" line which strangely stemmed from me calling him "homie" which was something Micah used to do, who actually texted me tonight from Texas where I should be celebrating Channing's Wedding but am instead broke and emo on my LiveJournal. Anyway, it was a glorious conicidence. Rich, I guess won an olympic medal, not sure I'm going to google it right now....I couldn't find anything on wikipedia, then again I don't know his last name, anyway let's assume he's right. He said that people always think that once they do this or that then people will love me. And that after he won the medal that nothing changed. He got more sexual propositions but that only came from women who wanted to be near a winning athlete. That I should be who I am cause that's what people look for, not your accomplishments. I mostly agreed with him but responded with, I better hurry and get to grad school so when I become a Doctor of Psychology I can buy the love of a trophy wife who loves my money and not me. It was a joke but still as Seinfeld once put it, there's a little truth behind every joke. He also pointed out, who has homework at the end of May and on Memorial day weekend.
I was really down for most of the shift, feeling rejected by someone I didn't even get to know. Like being eliminate the first night because Tila told you that your shot at love had ended. I was listening to Rent songs on the way home, that show really hit me on a lot of levels. Specifically Angel and Collins' song "I'll Cover You" which while being terribly corny is about recognizing that I can't offer you anything material, all I can offer you is love, pure love, and a thousand sweet kisses. The line is...
Angel: You'll be my King and I'll be your castle
Collins: You'll be my Queen and i'll be your moat
Both: I think that they meant it when they said you can't buy love, but I know you can rent it. I know at least you are my love.
It's corny but the idea of having love without restrictions, without drama and expectations and limitations is so beautiful to me. To just be in that moment. To love someone, without items and ownership. To in a way "rent" this beautiful thing for as long as you can and get to experience something few people ever do. To me it means getting lost in someone. To be completely overtaken with that one true person who means more to you than anyone else. That's the love I want. I'm not even going to say I deserve it because who am I to say what I deserve. It's what I want. I'm going to hold out for it, even if it never comes, I'm subborn enough to hold out for it. I actually believe I can wait too. Tonight I realized that a bad hookup was probably only a phone call or two away. For so long I've been so frustrated trying to find that true and deep love I wanted to rebel against it with meaningless makeout-y stuff. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I even talked to a friend of mine, a girl, who felt the same way. It's not just a guy thing. We both were so fed up with looking for love that we just wanted someone to get sexy with. Tonight I thought about it and realized I didn't want that anymore. Something meaningless to fuel whatever physical connection I wanted to feel. Physical connections are meaningless, Emotional connections, vulernablity, closeness, that's real, to me. The last thing in the world I want right now is meaningless physical connections - I don't mean this to be as dirty as I'm sure it sounds. Please look past it to the point I'm trying to make.
I want to wake up snuggled next to someone. I'm not even shallow enough to demand that they be "hot" or all that nonsense, just someone real, honest, genuine, with a good, loving heart. Someone who is confident of who they are and what they want. To me that's what's sexy. Someone who isn't ashamed of who they are, where they've been or where we're going. I want to wake up next to them. Arms knotted together. Saying I love you with a kiss on the cheek in that "I just woke up" voice that I'm sure we're all familiar with. To lay there forever, and kiss them whenever the mood strikes me, to say I love you and mean it. To hear it back and feel safe knowing that this moment could last forever. To hold them so tight that our breathing would match, inhaling and exhaling together. To be completely lost in that one person and that one moment. Knowing that no matter what, they would be there for me, and I'd be there for them even if we didn't have a dime between the two of us. Love without needs, manipulation. Something honest, pure.
I guess that last paragraph was an insult to the male sex drive. I've never seen myself as the typical guy driven by sex. My favorite quote from my new store (YES! THE TRANSFER WENT THROUGH!!)
Brandy: But at least he called me to apologize, he redeemed himself. Most guys wouldn't call back, they'd just wait till later
Me: Yeah, I guess...I'd call back.
Brandy: Well yeah, I know you would, but you aren't like most guys, I can already tell that.
Me: (uncomfortable grin) Thanks.
So that's my new disertation on love. I want that paragraph and I won't settle for anything but that. Enjoy your homework. I'm not going to make all the effort. So in the meantime, I'll probably go back to writing again, I've found it's easier for me to deal with not having it if I can write about someone fictional who does have it and yes, I'm aware of psychological disasociation that impies but for now, it helps me wait.
Thanks For Reading
-Steven
"Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE? It is up to you. Get back to me now if you are ready to enter deal with me, I mean life trade, who knows, and I might just spear your life, $12,000 is all you need to spend. You will first of all pay $4,000 then I will send the tape of the person that want you dead to you and when the tape gets to you, you will pay the remaining $8,000. If you are not ready for my help, then I will have no choice but to carry on the assignment after all I have already being paid before now.
Yes Benito, me wanting entering deal with you. Life trade I know is sounding good. Me not want you spearing me as death perhaps spare my life and no me spear? Please sending me tape to me you have done you took of person because that BIG SENSING making! I hope this not make you make choice that you, after all must be could be making, cause hey you being paid, right?
Warning: do not think of contacting the police or even tell anyone because I will extend it to any member of your family since you are aware that somebody want you dead, and the person knows some members of your family as well.
Oops, shit, I probably should have read that part before posting. So while I believe be believeing this, (hell I can't even parody that last bit, it's beyond english recognition) to be a total waste of my inbox if I do end up mysteriously dead soon, it because Anthonio Benito and his kinky love boys had me whacked. The email is in my deleted items folder if you'd like to retrieve it and go after this bastard. Overall, I don't mind those "Excuse me Sir/Madam I'm very joyful to tell you that you have one the British Lottery And Won 2000000000000 British Pounds, please contact. " They're harmless. But when it comes to reply or die spam I'm just offended. I'm tempted to contact the police just because I believe that this has legitamately crossed a line and if there is anyway we can throw this asshole in jail I'm for it. Go get a real job. You want $12,000 dollars, well so do my student loan holders so get in line dipshit. And yeah, if Anthonio Benitio is really tracking me or whatever then he's probably tracking this right now, so to Anthonio Benito - You Can Go Fuck Yourself And The Boys You Have Trailing Me.
I'm testing the new LJ pic uploader thing. I found this in San Francisco, it made me laugh. I just imagine this guy walking up to you, pointing at you threateningly and saying....Admit it. You LOVE making copies - (but "love" is accented in this way that's almost dehumanizing, like it's a sick thing to do)
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My subject title is stolen out of some random oldie song that I am told I used to sing when I was little. It seemed fitting. I was looking back over some old posts and was thinking about how interesting and unexpected this season had been. My last post exactly a week ago which is pretty good given my post before that was two months ago. Then a zillion private/public voice posts and then a trillion Rockstar posts. Which I find interesting because the post on the 13th of January was made less then 48 hours before Heather found Craig. I'm pretty sure the quote was "I'm so over the drama." I did have a conversation with Kala the other day about someone close she'd lost and made me feel better about the whole situation. Most of the old post came from that summer before Brigadoon, Laramie and zero free time. The worst part is, I think I'm more upset about someone else I've lost. This is so lame and I don't know why I'm bringing it up. Probably because I'm so disturbed by my own reaction. P.S. Veronica Mars Season 2 Spoiler Ahead (Amanda - I don't know if you've finished it) I wanted to do a scene from Veronica Mars for showcase so I spent a lot of time on the internet looking for scenes. As a result I relived some of the craziest moment of the series, the Veronica/Logan fight from 3, Logan explaining gto Veronica what love was.Probably my take on it too. And Cassidy/Mac. Their relationship was probably the best thing of the season. Rewatching all those scenes I flashedback to Junior year, Disney nights, Veronica nights, my amazing room in towers, Will as the greatest roommate ever, that was probably the happiest year I've ever had. All that Veronica obsessed joy came back and not gonna lie. I almost cried. I was so happy then. And here's the sad part and the spoiler, I miss Cassidy. I still feel like I lost a friend or at the very leat someone I could help. I spent a lot of time justifying his actions for my own sake that I really learned to sympathize with him. I feel guilty that of all the people I've lost, Craig included, I feel like Cassidy is the one who makes me feel the worst. And that may just be me mixing my feelings over losing my favorite show or how I felt it still had a lot of time left. It's just hard to see how much things have changed. I feel like I've wasted this year on trying to make myself happy without ever realizing how happy I was. I don't know what I'm trying to say but aren't we all supposed to get reflective right before graduation?
I think I'm getting sick. No sleep = low immunity. I told the boss I was sick she texted me to come in anyway. I texted her back why I shouldn't. I didn't get anything back. I'm gonna call in the morning. It's a small 4 hour shift they have enough people. I've always gone in even after I called in sick so this time. I'm not going in, no matter what. We'll just see if it works!
Given how I wanted to react at first, including but not limited to drinking, passive aggressive comments, emo writing and an assortment of things not to be shared on a public journal; I find myself....hopeful. I still believe in connections, true connections beyond friendship and I still believe that's what I need most right now. I would like to think it's coming soon and in this hopeful moment I'm hopeful I won't mess it up so bad when it does decide to come around again. But was it Krista? I can't help feeling that it could have been but at this point after everything, it never will be. I walked away from our talking feeling that that had been the final step, the bridge had been burned beyond repair and finally collapsed. Even now as the initial anger drama is gone it still feels like a closed door. Maybe that's God's way (or not) of telling me to stop looking there, 5 years from now, 20 years from now. That door is closed. I learned a lot about myself through our time together, but I think it was simply to teach me something, like Craig taught me something, but now it's time to take the picture down, put it in the drawer, quit referencing it and look toward the future. Ok, last reference, to end all references. I find it interesting that the two biggest players (in the theatrical sense) in last seasons are the two biggest things I feel need to be placed to rest in this season. Again - Bad Stoppard.
I have to be at work in 41/2 hours, why the hell am I still awake? Maybe it's because something big is going down and I need to think it out like Stoppard's evil talent less doppelganger would want me to. David had made a good point today that when coupled with Alura other points say a lot. David had meant it in a relationship / dating sense but I think it still applies. When one person puts in more than the other, when they realize it, problems occur, they feel unsatisfied. I've often felt that I put in more than I get back and as expected felt unsatisfied. Alura made me consider if I really put in what I feel I put in. I feel like I put in 100%, she doesn't think I put in much at all. Where does the disconnect come from? Am I underestimating it that much or am I putting it in the wrong way? That's what she said. Or am I putting it in for all the wrong reasons? Either way I need to reconsider, re-evaluate, and maybe put in only what I get out. Honestly, I don't think I give me much me time, I've neglected the things that I use to spoil myself with. I think I've spent too much time trying to give (in a good way or a bad way - the jury is still out) that I've neglected to take care of myself. That's gonna change.
So here it is, the conclusion to all of this. I'm not sure where to tomorrow is gonna lead and maybe Alura's cold shoulder, lack of sympathy which at first read as self involved emotional unavailability may have been her way of forcing my to grow up and not go looking for sympathy. I'm not sure yet. However, I like to think it's the second. I've had, in life two major conversations/fights/falling outs that have reinvented who I am. The Joey fight made me rethink a lot of things and while we haven't really talked since and probably never will, I don't wish him anything bad, if anything I hope he's happy. I know I am and I hope he would think the same thing about me. The falling out sucked but I don't think I would have learned what I did any other way. I sorta feel that tonight is another one of those momenets. That's probably why I'm typing this out because I know I'll forget it or something. I don't plan to ever be "friends" with Krista after this because like the Joey thing, I thing some lines were crossed on their end. But to be fair I know I crossed a few myself. We were both responsible. But I certainly wish them a bright future. The only thing is that I'm gonna see Krista nearly every day til May. It makes it harder “to go our separate ways.” Life's all about learning, I still hate when people aren't real with me but maybe I'm too real with people. Too in my head. Some I'm gonna chill out, keep it calm, blend in. No one really cares to visit Stevenland but me, and that maybe why I'm so stressed lately because I never go there anymore: daytrips to Universal, watching entire TV seasons in a week while I deep clean, write crappy love stories based on rock songs, Livejournal. Please to note that you’re reading my first text post in months regarding how I need to post more. So there ya go....that's all I got.
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I have a test I'm under prepared for in two hours but I want to be distracted so here's a brief update of everything in my life that at present is super busy and then some.
1. Props Master for a musical is no fun, but I'm almost done and can't wait to open the show so I can get a night off...segway
2. I plan to take my first night off on Friday to go to my High School's home coming, I haven't been since I graduated, I feel I need to go. I wish I could bring someone extra special with me but she has to crew the musical....segway
3. I wanna take Krista because she's incredible and makes me happier than I thought possible this early in a relationship....segway
4. We are officially dating now and seriously we are too cute together, like disgustingly cute. She makes me smile
5. We been asked by two other theatre kid couples about double dating....which is so corny I'm genuinely excited about it.
6. Krista's birthday was today we went to Marmalade and walked around Malibu park. I gave her gift last night at midnight (cause I wasn't going to give it to her before her birthday and she couldn't wait) It was a Brighton necklace and earings. She wore them to dinner, she looked stunning, seriously, I'm too lucky. I love that we really only had two hours together but it felt like four
5. I actually think I did well on yesterday's test I hope this one goes ok....which reminds me I need to go study.....
This is terribly personal and may seem odd, if you don't understand it, don't worry you aren't missing much.
Well-Played, seriously didn't see that coming. That tends to be the way though, huh? The audience has been waiting far to long for this and then out of nowhere you pull the carpet out. Why couldn't it have just worked. I suppose it was all the past subplots that actually brought The Rockstar to Malibu but why couldn't we simply leave it at that? The past should have stayed the past. Tonight was by far the best written scene we've had in a long time and I'm all but certain it will be considered by the audience to be the finale of The Rockstar subplot. I can't imagine any more developments from here. To be honest they'd seem too trite and staged. Still, nicely done, the one thing I thought I could count on. The twist, the flip, well executed. But could you send me something that could pan out? Something that isn't a one shot? Cause the audience and me have been waiting and now that the wait momentarily panned out you pulled the plug way too fast. Cause right now, all the past, all the old stuff with The Rockstar takes on a new meaning. Like Bruce Willis really being dead, the whole thing has changed. Suddenly, after thinking I had all the puzzle pieces I realize I have the wrong puzzle, that all along the image is on the other side. (By the way I love that he actually refered to it as "puzzle pieces") Suddenly what I once hated him for, I respect him for. Now that, right there, is the definition of irony.
So what was the point? Ultimately, I know I learned something from him, to be impulsive, to have no regrets, to live healthier, to not live controlled, never regret how or what you feel, to act on instinct, and most of all to feel brand new emotions I'd never felt before. A new level of sympathy is really the only way I could put it. A solid wall finale, no turning back now. At least now I don't blame him for leaving. And in some sad way I even wanna pack his bags for him. He just grew up to fast. Such a waste of talent, life, personality. Just please tell me this wasn't some stunt. That it's all gonna lead to something bigger and better. Better than The Rockstar; if that's possible. You pulled out all the stop, steamrolled to an end, a real end. Tonight, I'm over The Rockstar, I thank him for his small guest appearence on the show, I wish him luck, no regrets.
-Steven
I AM A FALL OUT BOY LYRIC I'm still stuck on it and despite my best attempts at boxing him I find after today it can't be done. I can't be around him. I wanted to go back to Culver tonight, I sorta asked to go. I just need to give it time. In a month it won't really matter, but I've never been a future tense sorta guy. I'm very in the present, now or never.
.....2 in 1 week.....That was for Kala.
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